We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
