Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
