Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I checked into jail on foursquare
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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