filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
