the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
