I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Randomize
