note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
