Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
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