I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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