oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
