Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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