Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
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We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
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FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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