If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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