bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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