I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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