I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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