yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
