i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
