Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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