I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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