he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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