i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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