I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
