He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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