Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I am available for nakedness
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
