'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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