fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
