i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
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I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
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The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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