mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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