Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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