lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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