I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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