so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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