Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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