My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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