Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
