My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
