how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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