At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
