No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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