We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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