last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
