I don't usually arrange sex via text message
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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