she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
A bitchslap is in order.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
