Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
