please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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