Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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