5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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