Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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