White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Are my feet made of real feet?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
