Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
