when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
