You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
