I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
